batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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