yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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