This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
