haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
