john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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