I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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