you told grandpa to call you daddy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
COCAINE IS GR8
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
