If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
