I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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