I'm pants shitting drunk right now
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
