its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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