can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
