i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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