god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
