No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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