I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
