I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
