theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
me + whiskey = a bad person
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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