There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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