Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
