I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
