It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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