I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
