The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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