I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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