when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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