Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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