fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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