Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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