what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
