I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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