you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
