i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
