I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
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I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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