Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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