come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
