Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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