My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
