I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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