You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
