need another drink. this is the easiest way
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
