Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
