I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
