Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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