all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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