also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
