Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
