My hand turned me down
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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