She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
