I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
