If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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