is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
