Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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