I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just made out with a guy for $7.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
