Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
