who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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