theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
