Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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