The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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